On the Day I Die
FEBRUARY 29, 2016 / JOHNDPAV
On the die I day a lot will happen.
A lot will change.
The world will be busy.
On the day I die, all the important appointments I made will be left unattended. The many plans I had yet to complete will remain forever undone.
The calendar that ruled so many of my days will now be irrelevant to me. All the material things I so chased and guarded and treasured will be left in the hands of others to care for or to discard. The words of my critics which so burdened me will cease to sting or capture anymore. They will be unable to touch me.
The arguments I believed I’d won here will not serve me or bring me any satisfaction or solace. All my noisy incoming notifications and texts and calls will go unanswered. Their great urgency will be quieted. My many nagging regrets will all be resigned to the past, where they should have always been anyway.
Every superficial worry about my body that I ever labored over; about my waistline or hairline or frown lines, will fade away. My carefully crafted image, the one I worked so hard to shape for others here, will be left to them to complete anyway. The sterling reputation I once struggled so greatly to maintain will be of little concern for me anymore.
All the small and… Continue reading
Today I’m a total mess of emotions.
I try and be grateful. As I should be, being alive, having wonderful children, and many many other things.
But I miss the things I don’t have anymore, and that makes me so so sad.
I cannot sing to my favorite song on the radio or when we watch a movie, my sing voice is gone. I am grateful I can still talk to my kids because I know what it is not to be able to.
I’m sore in my back and neck and left shoulder today, because Alexis and I moved a ladder under the tree yesterday where a doves nest fell out and the little eggs broke. The parents (to be) were frantically walking around the nest, all we wanted to do was help. I folded the ladder, and climbed it (with Alexis holding it) and I could hear Steven Marnewick’s voice in my head telling me YOU CANNOT DO THAT ANYMORE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON A LADDER IN THE TREE!
I just wanted to put the little nest back so maybe they can raise new nestlings.
So I’m grateful I still have some degree of movement left, but it Hurts today.
Is it OK to feel both emotions, or should I just be grateful?
If it is only to be glad, then I am not a good person.
I cannot only be glad about the good things. I MISS the things I can no longer do,… Continue reading
I use social media to express my views of my world, to express my opinions on matters, but without attacking anybody directly. We all don’t always agree on everything and I always welcome constructive input from the people on my lists, that I regard as friends, because the view of the world as I have it may be a bit biased sometimes. I guess we can all say that. 🙂
I also have ADD, so the way I express myself may sometimes come across to sensitive viewers (PG16 and up) as harsh or too direct. We live in a world where the only thing everybody wants to share is their happy feelings, their happy days, their happiness. Nobody wants to post on their page they are having a bad day – WHAT WOULD THE WORLD THINK OF THEM!!! I am not one of those people.
And so I USED TO belonged to a group in a Whatsapp. forum where all the girlfriends (About 30 or so) chatted, lent each other support, shared info and feelings etc. (only the happy stuff of course), unless you are a VALEDICTORIAN member, then everybody will commiserate with you, share in your troubles and offer to carry your load. I was not even close. I have a horrible sense of timing, because I work full time, raise my kids alone and I have had more than my share of medical problems in between to deal with. I… Continue reading
Can you keep a secret? (affairs)
So there I was, engaged to be married by my very first real boyfriend. This was in the early 90’s so no cellphones. I finished school, moved into a bachelors flat close to my work (those days I used public transport). My fiancé, who was working in the Police vehicle theft department at the time told me he did not like to visit me, my flat was too small, he got claustrophobic. So I spent my time mostly alone.
I made a new friend at the bus stop one morning, her name was Margo, and her boyfriend lived in the army barracks. She lived with her mom. We soon became good friends, and having lots of free time on our hands, we caught a bus one late afternoon, went for some drinks, and then went clubbing. By the time we were ready to leave, the bus services stopped for the night but there was no shortage of eligible bachelors who offered us a ride. We chose the most innocent looking one, and we sat in the back of his car.
we got back to my flat ( with Margo’s just across the street), thanked our ride, and got out the car.
Little did I know mr. Obsessive Compulsive Freak decided to ordain me with a visit that night. Since I was not holed up in my little flat, he decided to wait up for… Continue reading
Yes, I hate a cliffhanger as much as the next person, and this is also the first book I picked up from Elizabeth Hunter while waiting for the next big one to catch my eye. The story starts with Ava, a lonely traveler, freelance photographer who ventures into Istanbul, for a photo shoot and to see about a doctor she was referred to who may be able to help her with the “voices” she constantly hear when around other people. We also meet the Irin scribes, the worlds oldest record keepers, and their nemesis – the Grigori soldiers who kills human woman for their energy. I decided to hold off on posting a review on The Scribe, and could not wait to get my hands on the next book.
Then at last the second book in the series was released, The Singer. Although this book was a slow start for me, it was the most nail biting book of the trilogy, what will happen to the scribes, what is the Grigori planning,and why is the fallen just sitting and watching? It was a well written companion book to The Scribe. Elizabeth fleshed out, not only the characters, but also the world they inhabit, their ancient ways and traditions. I makes you wish this world really existed so you could go and visit there – it’s that realistically written.
Ok. I have to say that waiting LONG months for The Secret to be released was absolute torture.… Continue reading