It was a Monday afternoon, 1’o clock on the tenth of June 2002, basically one month after we lost our car that I received a call from the police. The lady asked me if the motorbike we bought belonged to me. I said yes, it was registered in my name but that my boyfriend rode it. I asked the lady why, what was wrong with it. She asked me if I knew the identity of the rider since he did not carry his ID with him on the bike or in the pocket of his Kevlar jacket. I said yes, why, did something happen, was he ok, could I speak to him?
Without any emotion she told me no, he is dead, and on the way to the mortuary, could I get someone to come identify him. I lost my shit. All of it. At 29 years old I had to bury the love of my life. Oh how Stefan loved that bike. Not even his helmet or jacket could save him. He was doing a wheelie in a busy road, on a long straight stretch and an old man did an illegal u-turn and stalled his car in the middle of the road. By the time Stefan put down the bike it was too late, tried to brake, flipped over and his head and helmet crashed into the front wheel of the old man’s car. Dead on impact. His whole scull was cracked, we picked up pieces of the… Continue reading
Angel-face, You and I were headed for something great. You were way ahead of your time, and I was catching on to technology as quick as you. It was the years when the world was holding it”s breath before the technology wave would sweep up the world, and we were ready, poised to ride the wave into the new millennium. All we needed was that one chance. Just one chance to do something, and you would have been so successful.
Even with little money, few possessions and lots of worries we were so very happy. I loved you, and will always love you to the core of my very soul. You loved me back the same way, you spun me into a cocoon, protected me, loved me, was my friend when I needed one, my love and my guardian. It was as if you knew exactly what was needed to make my fractured soul whole, and you spent every day doing the things that would make it so. I will never understand why you were taken from this world, and from me so fast, I was left spinning, without an anchor, and no direction.
I found those things inside myself and eventually found my north again, but still your loss left a gaping hole that nothing can ever fill.
You taught me the true meaning of love, not just how to feel it, but also how to show it, and mean it. Having grown up in a very emotionally stunted… Continue reading
Today I’m a total mess of emotions.
I try and be grateful. As I should be, being alive, having wonderful children, and many many other things.
But I miss the things I don’t have anymore, and that makes me so so sad.
I cannot sing to my favorite song on the radio or when we watch a movie, my sing voice is gone. I am grateful I can still talk to my kids because I know what it is not to be able to.
I’m sore in my back and neck and left shoulder today, because Alexis and I moved a ladder under the tree yesterday where a doves nest fell out and the little eggs broke. The parents (to be) were frantically walking around the nest, all we wanted to do was help. I folded the ladder, and climbed it (with Alexis holding it) and I could hear Steven Marnewick’s voice in my head telling me YOU CANNOT DO THAT ANYMORE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON A LADDER IN THE TREE!
I just wanted to put the little nest back so maybe they can raise new nestlings.
So I’m grateful I still have some degree of movement left, but it Hurts today.
Is it OK to feel both emotions, or should I just be grateful?
If it is only to be glad, then I am not a good person.
I cannot only be glad about the good things. I MISS the things I can no longer do,… Continue reading
It’s like a dark dog that keeps yapping at your heels. Depression.
A much stigmatized word, for a very misunderstood medical condition.
My Husband has never had to suffer this, so he has no idea how to cope with mine. The Shrink says it is part of my ADD – a sub condition of sorts.
Most days when the alarm goes off in the morning I lie in bed and instead of pulling the covers over my head (a very very strong reflex), I give myself a pep talk to get up.
Throughout my life I have learned that the worst that can happen to you is – that you may die, or get locked up in prison. Then I compare my possible day to these scenarios – and thankfully I have no real motivation to try and jump in front of a moving anything, and I have done nothing (yet) to deserve incarceration.
So I take a very deep breath, try and lift the (metaphorical) heavy stone that is resting on my chest and swing my legs off the bed to take a shower and get dressed for the day.
I have no real reason to feel this way, I just do. This is what people around me (and mostly me) don’t get. The chemical mix in my brain is out of balance and has to be medicated to use the right stuff and make more of it. … Continue reading