Sunshine (grown up)

About being an adult who survived my childhood, and making my own choices, best of all (or maybe worst), being responsible for my choices, and those I make on behalf of my children.

losing my forever love

Angel-face, You and I were headed for something great. You were way ahead of your time, and I was catching on to technology as quick as you. It was the years when the world was holding it”s breath before the technology wave would sweep up the world, and we were ready, poised to ride the wave into the new millennium. All we needed was that one chance. Just one chance to do something, and you would have been so successful.

Even with little money, few possessions and lots of worries we were so very happy. I loved you, and will always love you to the core of my very soul. You loved me back the same way, you spun me into a cocoon, protected me, loved me, was my friend when Soulmate-stefanI needed one, my love and my guardian. It was as if you knew exactly what was needed to make my fractured soul whole, and you spent every day doing the things that would make it so. I will never understand why you were taken from this world, and from me so fast, I was left spinning, without an anchor, and no direction.
I found those things inside myself and eventually found my north again, but still your loss left a gaping hole that nothing can ever fill.

You taught me the true meaning of love, not just how to feel it, but also how to show it, and mean it. Having grown up in a very emotionally stunted… Continue reading

On the day I die

 

On the Day I Die

FEBRUARY 29, 2016 / JOHNDPAV
flowers copy
On the die I day a lot will happen.
A lot will change.

The world will be busy.

On the day I die, all the important appointments I made will be left unattended.  The many plans I had yet to complete will remain forever undone.grieving angel

The calendar that ruled so many of my days will now be irrelevant to me.  All the material things I so chased and guarded and treasured will be left in the hands of others to care for or to discard.     The words of my critics which so burdened me will cease to sting or capture anymore. They will be unable to touch me.

The arguments I believed I’d won here will not serve me or bring me any satisfaction or solace.  All my noisy incoming notifications and texts and calls will go unanswered. Their great urgency will be quieted.  My many nagging regrets will all be resigned to the past, where they should have always been anyway.

Every superficial worry about my body that I ever labored over; about my waistline or hairline or frown lines, will fade away.  My carefully crafted image, the one I worked so hard to shape for others here, will be left to them to complete anyway.  The sterling reputation I once struggled so greatly to maintain will be of little concern for me anymore.

All the small and… Continue reading

A Bucket List

My Bucket list

your fingerprints never fade from the lives you touch

HPIM1624How many lives have you touched,  and was the last thing you did with that touch a good thing?

I realized (not too long ago) that we cannot take anything with us when it’s our time to go to eternal sleep.  the only thing we can take with us is our memories, our love, and our experiences.  Do things, if you have been in one place all your life, now is the time to venture out.  After all you can be sorry about the things you did not do in your life at the end of it, but if you have time, do stuff, now.

I have, during the course of the last 5 years undergone dramatic surgery for various ailments relating to my left shoulder, arm and my neck.  These operations also included two operations (the first failed) to give me my voice back (I got a super bug in the hospital and lost my voice for 4 months due to paralyzed central nerve).prague-charles-bridge-band

So one of the things on my bucket list cannot be sing to my favorite song, because I can only do the base voices while my daughters angel’s voice soars for both of us.

Yes, I am only 42 at the moment, but after spending months on the mend, just to have another and another operation with the subsequent mending time, rehabilitation, and trying to keep my business… Continue reading

The EX Files – Artful Deception

Dictionary:  Artful Deception

done with or showing artistic skill

: good at getting or achieving things in ways that are clever and not noticeable : used to get or achieve things in ways that are clever and not noticeable

: the act of making someone believe something that is not true : the act of deceiving someone

: an act or statement intended to make people believe something that is not true

In 1990 I thought I met the man (boy) of my dreams.

And here is my side of the story, I never got to tell, because I was threatened, and bullied out of everything I had, and deserved to get.

What’s inspiring my story to warn other inexperienced young girls – don’t let others take everything from you when it was not your fault.

When a spouse cheats – IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT.  Remember – everybody is responsible for their own actions.

I was still a virgin, and this guy was the one worthy enough of giving it up for (although many have tried!).  I stuck with him throughout his dark years in the Police force, initially only doing his 12 hour shifts as a patrolmen.  Later through his detective career, i stuck by his side, even though I was never good enough for him (according to his mother) – yeah, he is a real mommy’s boy that one.

so I gave it up (he told me I was his first… Continue reading

All the love in the world

When you fall  in  love for the first time, you always think it will last forever.

Remember the little love letter bantering back and forth promising forever to the boy who stole a kiss on your cheek in the 3rd grade?love hurts

As you grow older you realize there is a lot more than just one kind of love. There is the feeling of love towards your parents, that goes hand in hand with the craving of acceptance, and the love you feel for your children, the very best and most strongest kind (we were born that way).

Then as you grow into a teenager there is the secret love from a star struck boy, his biggest wish to be noticed by you and whom you let take you on one date or two, but feel no fireworks for – and barely notice his affection for you.

 Sometimes you are the girl secretly head over heels in love with a boy who gives you (and so many others) a date or two, and each one of the long string of girls (including you) think you will be the keeper of his heart… but alas, he forgets you and moves on.

And the sad type – the unrequited love, where you are the unseen one, the “friend”, but wanting so much more in your heart than just friendship from him or her.

By the time you are in your early 20’s you begin looking for the real thing,… Continue reading