Sunshine (grown up)
About being an adult who survived my childhood, and making my own choices, best of all (or maybe worst), being responsible for my choices, and those I make on behalf of my children.
My Bucket list
your fingerprints never fade from the lives you touch
I realized (not too long ago) that we cannot take anything with us when it’s our time to go to eternal sleep. the only thing we can take with us is our memories, our love, and our experiences. Do things, if you have been in one place all your life, now is the time to venture out. After all you can be sorry about the things you did not do in your life at the end of it, but if you have time, do stuff, now.
I have, during the course of the last 5 years undergone dramatic surgery for various ailments relating to my left shoulder, arm and my neck. These operations also included two operations (the first failed) to give me my voice back (I got a super bug in the hospital and lost my voice for 4 months due to paralyzed central nerve).
So one of the things on my bucket list cannot be sing to my favorite song, because I can only do the base voices while my daughters angel’s voice soars for both of us.
Yes, I am only 42 at the moment, but after spending months on the mend, just to have another and another operation with the subsequent mending time, rehabilitation, and trying to keep my business… Continue reading
Dictionary: Artful Deception
done with or showing artistic skill
: the act of making someone believe something that is not true : the act of deceiving someone
When you fall in love for the first time, you always think it will last forever.
As you grow older you realize there is a lot more than just one kind of love. There is the feeling of love towards your parents, that goes hand in hand with the craving of acceptance, and the love you feel for your children, the very best and most strongest kind (we were born that way).
Then as you grow into a teenager there is the secret love from a star struck boy, his biggest wish to be noticed by you and whom you let take you on one date or two, but feel no fireworks for – and barely notice his affection for you.
Sometimes you are the girl secretly head over heels in love with a boy who gives you (and so many others) a date or two, and each one of the long string of girls (including you) think you will be the keeper of his heart… but alas, he forgets you and moves on.
And the sad type – the unrequited love, where you are the unseen one, the “friend”, but wanting so much more in your heart than just friendship from him or her.
By the time you are in your early 20’s you begin looking for the real thing,… Continue reading
I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 35 years old. I went to see my psychiatrist by referral due to my ongoing depression, and had no idea he was going to do anything other than listen to my sad stories and write a prescription for what I hoped was something to make the heavy stone I felt resting on my heart easier to bear. He asked a few random questions about my home life, my marital status, my kids about my work, and of course how “I felt about all that”.
I did what I always did. I rambled on. I guess (like I always do) I was trying to cram as much into my allotted hour as I could to paint the clearest picture of my life to him without leaving out any major or minor detail that could lead him down the wrong path of diagnosis. I told him about all my successful and unsuccessful jobs, even the jobs I tried out for only a few days before deciding to move on! I told him about my horrible home life as a child, about my loss of love as a grown up, and how my life lead me down the path I eventually followed. When I was done rambling an eerie quiet ascended over the room.
Now I never have been, or never will be uncomfortable with a quiet lull in a conversation, but this one felt… Continue reading
I often wonder if I’m doing an o.k. job of raising my two kids. I know what I do is probably not always the right thing, or the best way, but I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got. Then I go visit my friends with kids the same age as mine, and I see the way they behave, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
I see that their 9 year old is also a bit moody and acting like a 16 year old would (without the hormonal “boy” trouble), and her 5 year old is also going through a “phase”. I see my other friends and they tell me their’s did the same thing, and that is more or less no different between the boys and the girls. Then I know they are all going through what I am, and it is part of being a parent, and raising kids. I’m on the right path.
So why is it that when I still had parents, they could not stop telling me that I’m raising my kids all wrong, they have no respect, they have no boundaries they run around and (attempt) to break everything, and they never sit still and they can never just “be good”?
This I might add, happened when my daughter was just 6 years old and her little brother a year and 8 months.
I mean, what do you expect from a little boy of… Continue reading