Grateful, Sad or both?
Today I’m a total mess of emotions.
I try and be grateful. As I should be, being alive, having wonderful children, and many many other things.
But I miss the things I don’t have anymore, and that makes me so so sad.
I cannot sing to my favorite song on the radio or when we watch a movie, my sing voice is gone. I am grateful I can still talk to my kids because I know what it is not to be able to.
I’m sore in my back and neck and left shoulder today, because Alexis and I moved a ladder under the tree yesterday where a doves nest fell out and the little eggs broke. The parents (to be) were frantically walking around the nest, all we wanted to do was help. I folded the ladder, and climbed it (with Alexis holding it) and I could hear Steven Marnewick’s voice in my head telling me YOU CANNOT DO THAT ANYMORE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON A LADDER IN THE TREE!
I just wanted to put the little nest back so maybe they can raise new nestlings.
So I’m grateful I still have some degree of movement left, but it Hurts today.
Is it OK to feel both emotions, or should I just be grateful?
If it is only to be glad, then I am not a good person.
I cannot only be glad about the good things. I MISS the things I can no longer do, I mourn over it, because I lost large pieces of who I am.
Alexis asked me last night if I could sing when I had my voice, and I told her, I could sing JUST like Olivia in Grease (we were watching). She said even though I only lost my voice 5 years ago, she cannot remember the original one (she was 6).
Naturally her brother cannot remember, he was just a baby, but when he was 1year 8 months old, and you gave him a plaster, he tried to stick it onto his neck. Because that’s where mommies eina was. 5 times. He asked me the other day if it was because of him that I got hurt so badly because every operation I had happened the year after he was born.
I made sure to tell him it had nothing to do with his birth. He was healthy and beautiful when he as born and I stretch the time between his birth and the time of my first operation, (tattoo’ed on the back of my neck) – as long as I can.