Dictionary: Artful Deception
done with or showing artistic skill
: good at getting or achieving things in ways that are clever and not noticeable : used to get or achieve things in ways that are clever and not noticeable
: the act of making someone believe something that is not true : the act of deceiving someone
: an act or statement intended to make people believe something that is not true
In 1990 I thought I met the man (boy) of my dreams.
And here is my side of the story, I never got to tell, because I was threatened, and bullied out of everything I had, and deserved to get.
What’s inspiring my story to warn other inexperienced young girls – don’t let others take everything from you when it was not your fault.
When a spouse cheats – IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT. Remember – everybody is responsible for their own actions.
I was still a virgin, and this guy was the one worthy enough of giving it up for (although many have tried!). I stuck with him throughout his dark years in the Police force, initially only doing his 12 hour shifts as a patrolmen. Later through his detective career, i stuck by his side, even though I was never good enough for him (according to his mother) – yeah, he is a real mommy’s boy that one.
so I gave it up (he told me I was his first too), and frankly I still believe him still today after many many years have past – and even though everything else he told me later was a lie.
So we started dating exclusively from 1989. I took him to my Matric Farewell as my plus one, even though 3 other boys from my school asked me to be their dates! Before the farewell dance we stopped at the roadhouse on the way to Brits, and had food and a milkshake.
Today I wish I could have change this and have given the attention to my class mates. My Best friend Sanelle Luther also went with a date from out of our school, so we decided to do a double date thing, we left early that night, did not even make the “Photo Opportunity” – too grown up for our own good.
I left school, and started working. I lived in my own little bachelor flat for a year, and while we were buying our first apartment together we got engaged in 1992, at the Carlton Center building on the very top floor. (this building does not exist anymore). We chose the ring long before we got engaged, and I will never forget, one night in his mother’s kitchen, while sitting on the counter he asked me (very seriously) If I think I am up to the challenge of taking care of him, he had doubts that I could. Well, I was flabbergasted, but promised I would do my best (for heaven’s sake we’ve been together 3 years already!!).
We had his 21st birthday at his moms house, a SHEET party, with floating candles in the pool, and everybody very very sloshed.
I will never forget we had the party on the 21st of April but his birthday is the 19th – he turned 21 :).
Anyway, the engagement happened and the year after that 2003, the wedding.
Well, because I grew up poor, my mother could not not afford to give money towards the wedding, the only thing I could afford to buy was my own dress. We had a cute little wedding on the third of January 2003 – a very very hot 37 degrees sunshine, and all the flowers (st. Josephs lilies wilted!!). Fortunately his dad worked at the old age home next to the church, and so we had the flowers and cold tray foods stay there during new years.
When your betrothed kisses your friend with tongue at the new years party 2 days before the wedding, and she tells you about it, maybe a person should call off the wedding, but I was convinced this man was the one for me. ON the day of my wedding one of my oldest and dearest friends were at my house helping me get ready, and asked if she could fit my wedding dress before I wore it. Well ladies. – a bit of advice
NEVER LET ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS WEAR YOUR WEDDING DRESS!
We got married in the Church, and had a light cold plate lunch in the church hall afterwards. I got to ring the church bell, and I think that was the best feeling for me of that day. During the reception my brand new husband made his speech, and thanked everyone from the rubbish lady to his mother for the wonderful wedding.
The only person he forgot to mention, thank or even say looked pretty WAS ME.
After the wedding, we went to our new Town House, he with his suitcase and me with mine. We moved our stuff in (furniture already there) and went on a lovely honeymoon for 3 weeks in Somerset West (his sisters house) while she visited with her mom. Weeks after we were wed, my new husband had to go for training to become a detective in Stellenbosh for 3 months! It honestly felt like the longest 3 months of my life, so I hopped onto a Greyhound bus with gifts and took the 28 hour trip to go and visit him. I could stay for the night but was back on the bus the next day.
Shortly after he got back our money looked better, and we decided to buy a house, we loved that house. We had our first wedding anniversary picnic on the grass in the back under the big tree. It was lovely, and we were happy. Or so I thought.
He did a photography course using only black and white film, developing your own prints in the dark room with chemicals. He took lots of photo’s of me, I was his muse, and life could not be better. Of course we had fights, I was not perfect, and neither were he – that’s how relationships is built. I grew up without a consistent father in my life, so this dealing and living with a new husband was a lot for me to learn to live with.
Having been denied the good things all my life, my first paycheck went to buying crystal glasses and Tupperware (the real thing) every month, good linen and towels, we wanted for nothing. I cooked, cleaned, and when he got home in the afternoon, he would hoot at the gate, and little old me would go out to open the (unlocked) gate for him, and close it while he drives in. What a wonderful welcome home party!
I created a candlewick duvet cover with blocks of our names, little hearts, peach ribbons and doves, it took months to compile the whole thing. I painted our foyer with “old Italian style” bricks and put a little cupid against the wall with a half round table to welcome our guests. The little cupid also sat on our little wine drum post box, and I created little fairy and dwarf paths throughout the garden which was mostly a low maintenance fern and ivy garden.
We had a Bar in the back of the garden, we converted it with hay bales, little flags and things bars would have, like a counter and invited all our friends over to party. Since we were the only ones married yes, the parties always ended up at our place. In particular our friends consisted of 4 boys with their respective girlfriends. We did everything together, I still have contact with some of these friends to this day!
Well the one very good friend of mine, you know the one that fit my wedding dress? She decided to hook up with her own boyfriend, Wikus, but also our friend’s boyfriend Gert, and finally her cousins boyfriend. The only one left she did not SECRETLY hook up with was my husband, and I also did not expect her to, we were married after all, and she was my friend.
Going to the Vehicle theft branch turned something around in my husband – You see he thought he did not get the chance to sow his wild oats, and now felt trapped in this marriage.
He started staying out every Friday night until the early hours of the morning, and he started going on “trips” to the coast that sometimes lasted up to 3 weeks with a colleague to go “look for suspects” or get Affidavits from witnesses.
The only good thing I have left to say about this man, is that he was always very honest (when caught out) about the cheating.
I thought to myself, we have the perfect life, why go ruin it because of one mistake he made. We were worth more than that, surely? When you suddenly get a beautiful bouquet of red roses after your husband did not come home on Friday night – it’s not because you are his only love. This time I moved into the spare bedroom for 2 weeks, but finally forgave him. Again.
He went away again for 3 weeks to Pieter Maritzburg with a colleague when we were married for almost 3 years, and while he was away I gave our marriage some serious thought. I decided that all the things in the world (like our house and the nice things I could finally afford after growing up so poor) is not worth selling my soul for. I was worried about getting STD’s and was finally done with this guy. It took me 7 long years, but in October of 2006 I opened the gate for him, when he returned home from his trip for the last time.
I went into the house and started packing my stuff. (well, my clothes and toiletries). At first I had to move into a room in a commune, and could not afford to hire a divorce attorney. We were still on speaking terms, him trying very hard to get me to come back (even going so far as to drive through the night to Margate, where he traced me and found me, begging for forgiveness and my return).
OF COURSE his folks lived next to a family friend who would do it all for their little boy for free, then I proceeded to loose everything. I was accused of cheating (that I did not do),
Leaving the marital bed (moving out) and other horrible things I can’t even remember being accused of anymore, but the list was long.
You see, when you are in the Police, it seems to be easy from my experience to threaten to plant contraband on another person, to fabricate false witness statements and events.
And so it turned out that my very best friend, the one who fitted my wedding dress on my wedding day, and cheated on her boyfriend with all our friends, was having an affair with my husband for 1.5 years of our 3 year marriage. (FACT). I confronted them both (each separately) and both confirmed it happened. I felt BETRAYAL, DECEIVED.
I walked away from 7 years of loyalty and devotion with R20 000 (to buy a car), and the clothes on my back, and this I had to fight for with the very savvy lawer.
When I wanted to get some of my other stuff his MOM was the gatekeeper and would not let me in.
BEFORE our divorce was even finalized his new girlfriend Hessie, with her 3 year old snot nose boy Vernon already moved into my house when I wanted to get some of my stuff that January 2007. The divorce was finalized somewhere in February 2007, and I had to start my life again at 23 instead of 18, from scratch. Just with allot of heartache and loss.
The thing that took the longest for me to BELIEVE was that None of this was my fault.
I was always available, the sex was good (even after the break-up and his new girlfriend we could sometimes not leave each other alone…), I was a good wife, a good housekeeper, and a loyal friend. I still am.
What I took away from this whole 7 years was a great feeling of loss, devastation (my fairy tale ending was ruined, and not even by something I did)! It took many many years to get over the betrayal of a husband (and lots of therapy) and the people I called my friends.
It took many many years before I trusted someone to marry again, let alone let into my heart.
I lost my pets too because I could not take a German shepherd named Almo with me, neither my little toy pom Vanya, or my cat Moritie. They all had to stay behind.
That’s it folks, the story of a very clever and artful deception.